?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous 10

Jun. 12th, 2012

Dark

Lasting Effects

I spent 20 minutes on the phone with my mom last night. I can't help but sigh and wonder what I did in a past life to warrant the relationship I have with my mother. There's love there, yes, but it's bound by frustration, confusion and hurt. Is that every parent-child relationship, I wonder? Which of course makes me wonder how badly I will conflict this life I carry. I truly believe every parent starts out with the best intentions. How far they get...that's dependent upon many factors. Truth be told, This scares the hell out of me much more than pending labor.

J was there to commiserate after I hung up the phone. I tried to explain the whole conversation with him, giving both sides and why I think it derailed. He stopped me about half way through, begging relief because he was so confused. I felt better that I wasn't the only one. And maybe that's the heart of the problem? It's all the noise in my head, not my relationship with my mother.  Grim prospects, either way. I'm 12 years old again, and the chasm between me and the rest of the world has torn open, brimming with all of the insecurities a kid can hold. Ugh.

Today, I woke feeling much better. Sleep is often my savior. The milk somehow soured overnight and thus I am without coffee so i can't get my engine revving. Instead, I'm drinking water, playing music and gearing up to clean the home. I am looking forward to school starting next Monday. Financial Aid came through and I've got to ship back my books from last quarter. It's nice to not have stress, but I have already started scanning the websites for jobs and thinking about what I'm planning to do when school ends in August. Short of daily hikes, I don't know how I am planning to occupy my time. I'm sure it'll work out perfectly, for now I just need to find some entertainment.

Jun. 4th, 2012

Dark

The Quickening

Oh my,  I've finished with 2 classes...1 more final to go and I'm looking forward to a week of relaxation.

Here's the thing - I've heard nothing from Financial Aid about whether or not they'll give me aid...I have 1 week and I turned in the paperwork in February. Cutting it close, aren't they? Goodness.

My head is full of big thoughts, but they are kinda locked away for the time being.
Tags:

May. 23rd, 2012

On Fire

There's something happenin' here...


The news has seemed fairly dull as of late, little did I know that it was really leading up to some crazy shit going on in the world. I'm struggling to remember to ask questions, such as "what is the slant? Who is the interested party writing this? Can I trust the source? Research the facts..." and so on.

But with news about Hopeful Presidential Mitt Romney spouting seemingly sane things that are really a special brand of crazy, I begin to be a little distressed. Let me give you a fair example.
"Mitt Romney promotes school vouchers in attack on Obama's education policy"

Duck'n'Cover!Collapse )


Everything else is really wonderful. J has been a hero and amazingly supportive. I am working really hard to make sure he knows I don't take him for granted or see how amazing he is. I

Time to go stretch out my back...
Tags:

May. 18th, 2012

On Fire

Oh, look, the next drama

This morning, the OB was talking about putting me on insulin because I have been steadily gaining weight and my blood pressure is worsening. My diet is making me sick and emotionally distraught. I feel worse than I've felt in over a year, emotionally, and I know it's more than just crazy pregnancy hormones.

 I have type II diabetes. I was diagnosed about 10 years ago. I have worked very hard to keep up-to-date on nutrition information (which is a nightmare, fyi, because science changes it's story frequently), BUT I had gotten my blood sugar levels well under control through eating a ovo-lacto vegetarian diet and becoming really active. I had been steadily losing weight (at a nightmare slow, pace, lol), when I came up pregnant. Since then I have been eating bread and meat, due to cravings, and due to lots of the articles I had read and because the diabetic counselor last week gave me a sample diet to follow for the week. This diet that I've been consuming has a higher fat content, and I have gained back 30 lbs since becoming pregnant!

I'm really quite frustrated and more than a little angry, because I feel like I'm poisoning myself on the American diet. Part of the problem lies in the fact that stress also raises blood sugar levels and this is the end of the school quarter where everything is coming due and finals are a fortnight away. Part of the problem lies with the fact that I have not been exercising the way I had been previously due to lack of energy and over-abundance of shit-is-due. The blame definitely lies at my feet when it comes to my lack of will power for choosing processed foods. Sugar is such a terribly addicting poison.

Two weeks ago I was told to go see a diabetic counselor. I followed orders and was blown away by the information that she gave me. It was so very 1970's typical government nutrition information. Think, "Aspartame is okay, because the FDA has given it's stamp of approval." (And I quoted that last part.) What?! I have a long list of FDA approved foods/stuff that has turned out to be poison. For serious?! On the other had, I was perhaps secretly thrilled when my diabetic counselor told me to eat 2 slices of bread with pretty much every meal. Whole wheat, but still! I've been eating bread since confirming I was pregnant and I am paying for it. Anyway, I have attempted to follow the diet consisting of 6 small meals a day,
in the format of "2 carbs, 1 protein, 0-1 fats" for breakfast and snacks and "3 carbs, 3 proteins, 2 veg" for lunch/dinner. I've gained another 3 lbs last week. Argh! Why must the protein come from meat? why must the carbs come from processed breads. I chose the whole wheat bread with the least amount of ingredients, no artificial sweeteners, corn syrup or molasses. You know, the $5/loaf bread? And, actually, it's not horrible tasting. I have just learned through a long time process of trial and error that I perform better without processed carbs or sugars in my diet. So.....I have a follow-up appointment this afternoon where I am going to see if I can go on a doctor-supervised vegetarian diet. There are carbs and proteins in everything we eat! Some are easier absorbed than others, but  vegetables, grains and legumes give all the nutrition a body needs. At least, I have found this to be personally true.

On the plus side, the baby had a strong heartbeat and everything is progressing nicely. 15 weeks and counting.
Tags:

May. 8th, 2012

Dark

Crisis Averted


My folks have deemed it prudent to let the topic of religion and politics outside of our relationship. A heap big sigh of tentative relief has been had by all.

I'm battling high blood sugar and I'm trying to cut out as many extra-curricular activities as possible. Walking is back on the agenda for the health of tic tac, myself and so I don't blow up to the size of a house for C-'s wedding.

Beltane was this weekend and it was amazing. We were relatively comfortable, though still very cold. I brought home the may flag to hang in the nursery as a blessing from the group.

There is a lot going on, including projects coming due, finals coming soon, new and improved weekly diabetes consultation, the May work party at the BBF, and I haven't even mentioned the Procession of the Species activities from two weekends ago. I might have to come back when I can think straight and give the salient details. I certainly have had a lot of <s>stress</s> fun, recently.

May. 2nd, 2012

On Fire

On the road to Ugly


Have you ever seen a train wreck unfold before your eyes? I mean that in the emotional sense. Well, a couple of days ago my mother called and said, "Now, S-..." That's how all terrible conversations start. There are clue words like "Now..., Listen..., I love you..." Okay, maybe not the last, but that can certainly lead to some dangerous waters...just ask my husband. \

"Now, S-, I just want you to think about baptizing the baby. It's something your father and I want and when the kid asks later on in life whether or not s/he was baptized, you can just say yes and blame it on the grandparents." and then promptly "reminded" me how willful and set my father is on this matter. This is the conversation that I have dreaded and thrust to the darkest corners of my brain because it is going to cause a gigantic headache and potentially a lot of heartache.

Well, I got off the phone and I talked to J. We seriously discussed it. For hours. The final answer was no for reasons that are irrelevant for public consumption. I just hope that my parents will accept that answer and not sever our relationship with them, because we want them to be a part of their first and only grandchild's life. We want them to talk about their religious beliefs and to share memories and love and laughter with tic tac, but we do NOT want them to decide that our child is immediately a member of one religion or another.

I spoke to my brother about it. He respectfully disagrees with our decision. He said, "You should just do it to appease your parents. You know how they are." Which is another salient point against giving in to make peace on a topic that is incredibly personal to J and I. I said as much. He replied, "You know, I don't think that you would really object. I think this is a Principle Thing for J and that you are backing him." My brother might be right and can be incredibly insightful, but I have objections to baptizing before tic tac has a chance to make that choice for himself. My beliefs do not see a "get out of hell free" act as required. "Why chance it?" My mother and brother ask. That seems overtly superstitious and renders the ritual meaningless, in my opinion. So why not wait and if the kid comes up Christian, then let him devote himself to the Christian God. Ugh. I hate religion.

Today was another round of doctors tests. All is healthy and happy.

Tags:

Apr. 24th, 2012

crafty

Earth Day 2012


Well, Gosh, let's get caught up.

The Earth Day event on the Blueberry Farm happened, in which 10 folk showed up and spent 4 hours pulling up gardening sheets, flipping them over and piling mulch on top in order to kill the vegetation and prevent competition with the blueberries. I'd call that a success. I don't know what the city would call it, since that was 10 more than showed up last year. I got to spend a few moments chatting with the mayor of the city, who was very kind. I have also attempted to coordinate the next project work day for May...two days ago with no response yet. I feel bad because the parks department is so understaffed for the sheer amount of work they have to do. I am going to go spend Friday gathering clippings to attempt to propagate about 50 blueberry babies

School...oh school.. I am signed up for my final 3 courses over the summer. I think I may be twitching by the end of summer, but at least I'll have crossed the finish line *fingers crossed*. Disclaimer: Barring any classes being cancelled due to insufficient numbers or failure of classes due to hormonal break down. Just saying.

Other than that, life is pretty good. J is amazing and the tic tac is healthy. Supah!

Apr. 13th, 2012

On Fire

latest and greatest


I'm a little stunned that we're bringing the 2nd week of April to a close (and, of course, it's Friday the 13th!). I have been busy, but not super busy. Perhaps it would be more fair to say that my head's been a blur. Of course I'm juggling multiple projects, including my staples - school, the BBF, volunteering and social responsibilities and I've started walking again. I'm exhausted all the time, but recently my energy levels have picked up enough to let me get my walking in.

Although, before this turns into a pitiful whine-fest, let me also add that I'm home by 6:30pm and relaxing about 99% of my evenings, so, I do keep a balance.

Super TMICollapse )

If we are being honest here, which is typically my primary focus, I'm only updating here and now because it means I'm not doing homework for the law, ethics or strategy classes that I'm taking this quarter. The classes are good, they're just not that difficult, though the work is intensive. Whew, glad to get that off my chest ;)

Tags:

Mar. 2nd, 2012

Dark

The Great Purging


Accomplishments:

1. I have finally paid off all outstanding old debt. I have minimal new debt (a new car and education, so large ticket, but only two).
2. I have rented a storage unit to keep stuff best left off-site.
3. I am going through the great purge in between procrastinating on homework, BBF meeting planning and being with my mate.
4. Got enticed into accepting a role as executive producer for an independent film that a friend of mine is writing.


...And it goes like thisCollapse )




The next big adventure.
I've got plans lined up for my trip home. So excited. I'll not spoil the plans here, but rather share them after the fact.

Feb. 16th, 2012

On Fire

Talking to Strangers

I find myself talking to strangers while in line for groceries, walking along the BPA trail, riding the bus....you get the drift. Typically  I open with "Hello! Do you like to garden?" this is generally followed by a puzzled look and an honest answer. The answer has been, generally, yes, to which I invite the lot to the next CAT meeting. I'm hoping, if I invite a hundred people, 20 will show up to see what I have to say and to see this mysterious blueberry farm that they have lived next door to their whole life, but have never heard of. I like curiosity, it should be encouraged and fed and nurtured. And, hopefully I can plant a mustard seed of excitement into their hearts and minds. We'll see.

I'm getting anxious for the end of the quarter, and my escape to the desert to see la familia. No one knows I'm going to be there, yet. I plan to steal a night with my darkness and star-gaze with the younger family members. We'll see what actually happens. I am also aware that I've been posting about this every other day....that should be ample expression of my excitement.

One of these days I'm going to delve into the thought processes of turning 30...not now, though. Now I shall belt out "No Rain" by Blind Melon while dancing like a bee.....

"All I can say is that my life is pretty plain,
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain.
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
And speak my point of view but it's not sane.
It's not sane.
I just want someone to say to me, oh,
I'll always be there when you wake, yeah.
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today.
So stay with me and I'll have it made.
And I don't understand why sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain.
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake,
And it rips my life away but it's a great escape.
Escape, escape, escape.

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain,
Ya don't like my point of view,
Ya think that I'm insane.
It's not sane, it's not sane.

I just want someone to say to me, oh, oh, oh
I'll always be there when you wake, yeah.
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today.
I really wanna really gonna have it made.
Oh. Oh. Oh."

Previous 10